Okay, I need to get this out somewhere Jonathan won’t see it.
He’s stopped coming here because I never post.

First, I’m going to lay out a short conversation we had, then I’m going to tell you why it pisses me off.

Me: How would you feel if we didn’t talk to each other or see each other for a year?
Jonathan: Um why?
Me: Curious.
Jonathan: Honestly I wouldn’t like it but if that did happen I would talk to you just like nothing happened.
Me: After the year was over?
Jonathan: Well I would try to talk to you from time to time even if you didn’t respond.
Me: Why though, if you knew I wouldn’t respond.
Jonathan: Just to try cause you are my friend and I don’t give up on my friends.
Me: What if I didn’t want you to?
Jonathan: I don’t care.
Me: So even if I asked you not to talk to me, you still would.
Jonathan: Yes. 

Okay, so this is why it pisses me off.

This might seem sweet and nice and “awh he wants to be friends and be there for you”. No. This is selfish and stupid.
I was considering breaking myself away from him for at least a year. To separate from him so I could get my feelings and thoughts straight and basically get the fuck over him. I can’t do that on my own, I’m too drawn to him so i was going to ask him to just ignore me for like a year no matter how angry, bitter, depressed, whatever I got. This was kind of to see what he would do, if he’d care.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad he’d “try” but the reason it pisses me off is because, even though I probably wasn’t going to go through with it, I need this. I don’t want to be in love with him anymore. I want to be able to hang out with him without crying myself sick afterwards. And when he had shit going on, and needed time and space I was expected to give it to him. Whether we were dating or not. I’ve never asked for time, or space, or anything and the one time i almost have the strength to fucking get over this, he denies me. ALSO, this would be a lot sweeter if he didn’t give up on his girlfriends. Apparently friends is more to him than lovers. idk whatever.

Either way, this is the reason I’ve been stressed and pissed and generally a wreck all day.

and I fucking hate myself.

kay.